Boris Johnson. The Neverending Tory

Yes, you are Boris Johnson, about to embark on a quest to fulfil your childhood ambition to be World King, a position so important that you will have to invent it first. It's not going to be easy.

You will be entranced by a monster called Trump, bewitched by a sorceress called Carrie, captivated by your backbench Orcs - and royally shafted by a little hobgoblin called Michael Gove. Not everyone wants you to be World King.

So watch out for those false turns which see you begging Prince Harry for a job, rotting in a Dubai jail, recruited by the KGB, wandering round Kabul trying to find 150 dogs to rescue, infecting the Queen with COVID, starting WWIII or mistaking wine, cheese, vomit and karaoke for a work event.

And try instead to use your magical powers to become the Emperor of this land; the star of the hit musical "Boris on Broadway"; or even the PM who leads Britain back into the EU in 2024.

Yes, you are The Neverending Tory. And this is your story.